A very deep haiku

This is a haiku
This haiku’s about nothing
Sort of like Seinfeld

Savor

Today’s post is part of the Christian Writers blog chain. The theme this month is savor. Well, here goes!

Last Sunday was my weekend to play keyboard at church. Rehearsal time for the band is 7:15 AM. I like to get there around 7:00 AM to make sure I have time to get set up, which means I have to leave about 6:45 AM.

On they way to church, I treated myself to a McDonald’s sausage burrito. I stopped at  the first drive-through window and paid the clerk. My mouth watered as I anticipated the  warm, artificial cheese, pork product, and reconstituted egg goodness. Then, I arrived at the second window: the one with the food. The clerk  handed me my coffee first and the bag second. The bag with the food—the food that would sustain me through a 7:15 AM rehearsal.

Almost drooling, I parked my SUV, removed the  burrito and opened the wrapper. And that’s when then odor hit me. The thing smelled like Play-Doh. I have nothing against the smell of Play-Doh, but not in my food. And what’s worse, the burrito tasted like it smelled. Because I was still hungry, I held my breath and consumed the salty, doughy conglomeration of food-like substances. I didn’t savor my Sunday breakfast.

By its nature, fast food is not meant to be savored. It’s designed to be prepared, sold, and eaten quickly and cheaply. It doesn’t last. It doesn’t taste good. It’s fast, cheap food for fast, cheap living. The opposite of savoring.

Image from thewvsr.com

Being a writer geek, I immediately applied this experience to my writing,  to how I like to write and what I like to read. Savoring is an act of the senses. When you savor something, you take the time contemplate what you’re experiencing. When I read, I want to know what the character feels, tastes, and smells. That is also how I like to write. As an example, I’m going to discuss two passages, one that I can savor over and over, and another where the author could have done a better job. I’m going to start with the latter first.

My first example is from Amanda Hocking’s novel, Hollowland. If you’re not familiar with Amanda Hocking, she’s a self-published author who has sold about eleventy-kabillion ebooks on Amazon.com. I have nothing against self publishing. In fact, [[SHAMELESS PLUG WARNING]] I’ve finally decided to self publish my own book, Oath of the Brother Blade, in the next few weeks. However, I think I would be safe to say that Hocking’s books are the literary equivalent of fast food. She can crank out a novel in about a week or two, and her books range in price from free to $2.99. Nothing wrong with a fast food book every once in a while, but you don’t want to make it your complete diet.

Hollowland is set in the very near future in which civilization has been run over by a zombies. In this scene, the main character is removing a gun from the hand of a dead soldier:

The thick ooze of zombie blood covered my hands, and I grimaced. I finally found the clip, along with his service revolver. He’d been using a semi-automatic shotgun, and it was still in his hands. I pulled it free, hating the way it felt to loosen a dead man’s grip.

In writing, you don’t always savor pleasant sensations. In this passage, Hocking missed out on a wonderful opportunity for some major gross-out savoring. The passage leaves me with lots of questions. What did the zombie blood smell like? Was it still warm? What did it feel like on her skin? Did it burn? Was she worried about getting the zombie disease from touching the infected blood? Was the dead man’s hand still warm? Was it stiff? Did touching it remind her of her boyfriend’s hand?

Since this is the first time we see up close the effects of a zombie attack, Hocking should have taken advantage of this scene to draw us into the visceral, disgusting, traumatic horrors of a post-apocalyptic zombie-infested world. However, we’re only given a scant description of what should have been a shocking scene.

My next example of savoring is from Tosca Lee’s novel, Havah, a story of about and Eve told through the point-of-view of Eve. In Havah, Lee masterfully allows us to savor all the delights of Eden that Eve experienced in her newly created body. It also demonstrates the horrors of sin after Adam and Eve disobey God.

In the following scene, Adam leads Eve to experience water in a river for the first time:

We entered the water. I gasped as it tickled the backs of my knees and hot hairs under my arms, swirling about my waist as though and around a staunch rock as our toes skimmed a multitude of pebbles.

This passage is only two sentences long, but it’s a masterpiece of showing through the senses. Lee doesn’t say that water is cool, clear, deep, and gently flowing. However, we know the water is cool because Eve gasps when she steps in. We know the water flows gently because it tickles the backs of her knees and the hair in her armpits. (Yes, everyone, Eve had hairy armpits. But the big question is, did pre-fallen bodies get BO?) And we know the water is clear because even though it goes up to her armpits, she can still see the pebbles under her toes.

So how about you? Have you read anything that draws you in with the senses, that makes you want to savor each word? Do you know any authors who are especially good at writing for the senses? I’d love to know.

Havah and Hollowland are available at Amazon.com.

Quest’s End

The old Warrior lay on the hospital bed, his pneumonia-wracked lungs gurgling with each slow gasp. He struggle to inhale and exhale, each breath burning like red-hot knife blades searing his chest.

Next to him his Lilly sat, grasping his hand, gazing at him with blood-shot, dark-rimmed eyes. She kissed him, caressing his cheek win her soft lips, just as she had for the last fifty-two years of their marriage.

When she pulled away, her eyes brimming with tears, he wanted to tell her he loved her. That she was the most beautiful woman in the world. His best friend. That he never once regretted marrying her. And he would have told her were it not for the the paralysis from his stroke.

So he did what he could. He smiled on the side of his face that worked, and prayed that was enough.

He gazed down the length of his bed. His daughter Deborah stood, her granddaughter in her arms and husband at her side. That meant Deborah’s own daughter and probably Deborah’s son-in-law lingered close by. Almost his whole family had come, the loved ones who joined him on his journey. His quest to serve God. To make a difference.

Almost all. But not the one who’d have made the Warrior’s quest complete. As much as he prayed and fought for him, this one still didn’t come.

Deborah said, “How’s he doing, Mom?”

“No better. Worse, I think,” Lilly said. “Any word from Bob?”

Deborah scowled. “No. Not that I’m surprised.”

With the mention of his son, his one failure, despair overwhelmed the Warrior, and more fluid seemed to settle in his lungs. And then the enemy attacked. The same enemy he’d been fighting since Robert William Brownings, Jr. was born.

You’ve lost old man. You’ve failed. You fought hard, won a few battles. But where it counted, you failed. He’s ours. Ours!

Lord, the Warrior prayed silently, help me. Even now it’s not too late. Bring my son back. Please.

Lilly said, “Try calling again. It’s what your dad wants.”

“After what he did to Daddy? He ruined Dad’s ministry with the lies in his book. Why would Dad—”

“Debbie, please. Try again.”

The enemy whispered, The author of, The Prodigal Who Didn’t Come Home, would never see you. He made too much money from hating you. He won’t return.

More fluid.

His breaths became shallower. But the Warrior fought the only way he could. Lord Jesus, bring my son home. Bring him back. Please.

Don’t you know when you’ve lost? It’s over! The enemy said.

More fluid.

Pain.

Darkness creeped around the edges of the Warrior’s vision.

Lilly stood, mouth on her hands. Deborah said, “Oh, no. Daddy.” She pressed the nurse’s button.

More gunk, thick and sticky. The Warrior couldn’t inhale. He couldn’t exhale.

The nurse hastened in the room, stuck a tube down his throat, and sucked phlegm from his lungs. But the liquid seemed to come faster than she could remove it.

You’re dying, Warrior. Dying. We’ve won. You and your God lost him. Forever.

The Warrior cast his gaze from his wife to his daughter to the nurse. The nurse frowned in concentration. Lilly and Deborah paled and held each other.

He’ll burn, and it’s your fault.

The darkness and overtook him. The enemy still taunted, He’ll burn. Burn! Burn!

If he had the strength, the Warrior would’ve wept. He was going to die, and his son had not returned. He’d prayed, pleaded, interceded, and begged God for Bob come to home. To return to faith. But maybe the enemy had won.

Maybe there wasn’t hope.

But again he fought. Prayed. God, please. Before I die, or after. Bring my son home.

He’ll burn, Warrior. He’s mine. He’s—

And then singing. Deborah and Lilly stood arm-in-arm, singing his favorite hymn.

Amazing grace…

The fluid completely filled his lungs.

How sweet the sound…

Bring my son back.

That saved a wretch…

I’m dying, Lord. Take care of my wife.

Like me…

And children.

I once was lost…

And grandchildren.

But now am found…

And please. Bring my son home.

Was blind but now…

And as Deborah and Lilly’s voices faded, a baritone joined them. Bobby!

I see.

Briefly, the Warriors vision returned. Bob knelt next to him, weeping.

And then…

Air!

The Warrior could breath. He inhaled fresh, sweet, clean air. He leaped, his body young and strong. And with the knowledge Bob had come home, the Warrior whooped a battle cry with a clear, powerful voice and strong lungs.

He danced. Sang. Praised. Jumped.

Finally, in the distance, the Warrior saw a shepherd waving and sprinting to him. Robes trailing in the wind.

With a shout, the Warrior also ran, crossed the field in moments, and found himself at the feet of Jesus. He wrapped his arms around the Lord’s ankles. “Thank you, my Lord. Thank you,” he said, tears streaming off his face and onto the feet of the the Lord.

And when he looked in the Savior’s moist eyes, the Lord said, “Welcome home, my Warrior. Your long quest is at its end. Welcome home.”

Stuff Writers Like – 1

I briefly considered calling my blog “Stuff Writers Like,” but there’s already too many Stuff XYXs Like blogs out there. However, I love the concept, so I’ll occasionally make a Stuff Writers Like post. So what do writers like? First, other writers.

Stuff Writers Like 1. Other Writers

Gone are the days of the isolated, misunderstood, socially inept, moody writer typing with a brandy on his desk and a cigar dangling from his lips. Now, we have writers’ forums, Twitter, Facebook, blogs, email, and writers’ organizations. Writers can collaborate, critique, wish, pray, and chat. In fact, I think it’s so easy for me to get connected with other writers, I forget to write.

Seriously, writers should not write in isolation. We all have blind spots and need someone to point them out. The Bible says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” (Proverbs 27:17 NLT). Not only is this is true for our personal and spiritual lives, but also our writing skill. Think about it, for most of us, we want our material to be exposed to the public. So it doesn’t make sense to develop something for public consumption while we stay in isolation. We need the input of others.

I love my writing buddies, especially on christianwriters.com. It is a safe place for me to get to know other writers, get critiqued, and to give critiques. And they’re real people too. I’ve actually had a chance to meet some of them at an ACFW conference a few years ago

If you have a interest in writing or improving your writing, consider looking at online forums where you can get to know some other writers and be critiqued. Also, see if there are any local writer’s associations in which you can meet other writers.

Turn Your Manuscript into an MP3 Audiobook (Part 3)

In part 1, I described why it’s helpful to listen to your manuscript. In part 2, I described how to use TTSReader to make MP3 files from your manuscript. In part 3, I will talk about how to tweak TTSReader and alternatives to using TTSReader.

Tweaking TTSReader

First, TTSReader does not know how to handle smart apostrophes ( ’ ) so replace them all with straight apostrophes. Next, you can use the TTSReader pronunciation manager to correct any words that TTSReader mispronounces. For example, it pronounces “ribcage” like this: Ribcage Pronounced Wrong.

To fix this error, select Tools → Pronunciation Manager. In the Pronunciation Manager, type the Word to Correct, then enter a phonetic spelling. In this case, breaking ribcage into two words works.

Other alternatives to TTSReader are Adobe Reader, Kindle, Natural Reader, and online text-to-speech options.

Adobe Reader

You can download the free Adobe Reader from the Adobe Web site. To use the Adobe Reader, you need to save your document as a PDF file. If you are using an open document word processor, such as OpenOffice.org, you can use the Export as PDF function. If you are using another word processor, you will probably need to print to a PDF file using software such as CutePDF.

After you open the PDF file in Adobe Reader, use the Read Out Loud feature.

Kindle

If you have a Kindle device, I have been told that you can save your document as a PDF file and import it into your Kindle, which can read text out loud. However, I do not own a Kindle and have not tried this.

Natural Reader

Natural Reader from NaturalSoft is free text-to-speech software. However, you have to upgrade to the pay version to save your document as an MP3. The pay version is $50, but comes with two AT&T Natural Voices, which are freaky-realistic.

Online Text-to-Speech Options

There are Web sites that translate text files into MP3s, such as yakitome.com. When I tested Yakitome, it converted a 1000 word text file into an MP3 in about 5 minutes. And Yakitome uses AT&T Natural voices.

I’d love to know if you have tried any of these options.

Turn Your Manuscript Into an MP3 Audiobook (Part 2)

In part 1, I described why it’s helpful to listen to your manuscript and gave general instructions on how to make turn your manuscript into MP3 files. In part 2, I will describe how I use TTSReader to make MP3 files from my manuscript. In part 3, I will talk about alternatives to using TTSReader.

I like TTSReader because it’s easy to use and free. And did I mention it’s free? Following are the steps to use TTSReader to turn your manuscript into an MP3 audiobook.

Install the software

1. Download and install TTSReader. Make sure you download the TTSReader installer, not TTSReader zipped.
2. Download the additional Microsoft voices. If you want some British voices, you can also download voices from Lernout & Hauspie. All of these voices are robotic. But while they don’t sound entirely human, they aren’t unpleasant to listen to (in my opinion).
3. If your manuscript is novel-length and is in one long file, you will need to download a text splitter. I use a free application called TextWedge. TextWedge does not need to be installed. You can run it directly by double-clicking the executable.

Save your document as text files

In your word processor, save each chapter of your document as a text file. You can also save them as RTFs, but I prefer text files. If your document is in one long file, save it as a text file, then use TextWedge to split it, as follows:

1. In the TextWedge main window, select Dialogs → Configure Standard Splitting.



2. In the Checking Definition – Standard Splitting window, specify 800 lines and click OK. I find that 800 lines makes an MP3 that runs about 1 1/2 hours.



3. In the TextWedge main window, select File → Load and Split.
4. Select the text file to split, then click Open. TextWedge splits the file automatically. You can close TextWedge. In the directory where your text files are, you will find your split files.

Convert your text files to MP3s

Before you start this process, I suggest testing the various voices to find one you like.

1. In TTSReader, open the text file you will convert by selecting File → Open. Navigate to the text files, select the file, and click Open.

   Note: You can open more than one file by holding down the Shift key.



2. Select Tools → Read to Mp3.



3. In Documents to Process, select one or more files.
4. Under Output Format, ensure that Mp3 is selected.
5. Click Start.

It will take a while for TTSReader to convert your files to MP3s, depending on the size of your files and the speed of your computer.

I would like to know if you tried this and how it worked out for you.

Turn Your Manuscript into an MP3 Audiobook (Part 1)

If you’re like me, you most likely have blind spots to mistakes in your writing. Even if you read it five times over, you can miss typos, misspelled words, repeated words, and many other foibles. This is because you don’t read one letter at a time, but whole words at a time. Take this example I got from a blog post at simplebits.com .

For me, that’s more scary than “amzanig.” One way to get around this problem is to read your manuscript out loud. But since it is you doing the reading, your brain will still perceive the mixed-up words as correct. What helps me immensely is to create an audiobook of my manuscript.

The method I prefer is to make MP3 files of my manuscript. That way, I can load the files on my iPad or MP3 player, sit some place with a printed version of my manuscript, and follow along as I listen to computer-read audio of my document. It’s amazing how many mistakes I find.

It is relatively simple to convert your document to MP3s. I use freeware called TTSReader. You can download it from here:

http://www.sphenet.com/

The basic steps are:

1. Save your files as text files.
2. Open a text file in TTSReader.
3. In TTSReader, select Tools → Read to Mp3.

In part 2, I will go through the specific steps that I do in TTSReader.

Gifts of the Heart (and Other Body Parts)

Note: This post is part of the Christianwriters.com blog chain. The theme this month is gifts of the heart. However, my mind immediately wondered what gifts of other body parts compare to gifts of the heart.

The Christmas season upon us. We know this because television commercials inundate us with images of perfect families in massive, immaculate homes giving magnificently wrapped gifts to happy, beautiful children.  At the center of this Christmas joy is a loved one opening the gift that contains ProductXYZ then bursting into tears or jumping with excitement or both.

The message is that purchasing ProductXYZ will make this Christmas special, help you lose weight, get a raise, heal your marriage, fix your children’s behavior problems, straighten and whiten your teeth, get rid of your grey hair, cure your male pattern baldness, and finally make you and your loved ones happy.

The corollary is that if you don’t buy or can’t afford ProductXYZ, you might just end up spoiling Christmas, alienating your spouse, and damaging your kids.

Never fear. If you can’t afford that expensive gift for your loved one, think of it this way–an expensive gift comes from the wallet. Therefore, the real value of ProductXYZ is in relation to the wallet. And where are wallets often stored (at least for us non-purse users)? In the back pocket, right on top of your back-end.

Yup. Next time a commercial makes you depressed you can’t afford ProductXYZ, remember what ProductXYZ really is. A gift of the butt that will soon be flushed down the toilet of time and forgetfulness.

Smelly analogies set aside, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing to buy an expensive gift. However,  ProductXYZ is temporal. It won’t last, even if it’s something you intend to make a family heirloom. Sorry, but diamonds aren’t forever. Only people are.

So what’s the alternative to a gift of the…well you know. A gift that will make an eternal impact on someone. Those gifts, gifts of the heart, will last: A kind word. A hug. Understanding when your kid fails. A phone call. A handwritten letter.  Gifts of the heart are those that affect the heart of the recipient.

Gifts of the heart might be small, and they might not cost anything, but when you give them consistently and unconditionally, they have a compounding effect on the recipient. And in the end, gifts of the heart will bless him or her for an eternity.

So this Christmas season, when you buy gifts of the, er, wallet, remember where they will eventually end. And don’t forget the ultimate gift of the heart, the one God gave us through His son, Jesus.

Merry Christmas!

Nano Guilt

I have Nano guilt. I’m not using “nano” as in a tiny unit of measure like nano-second, nano-meter, or nano-pet. Having nano-guilt in that sense would probably be dangerous. I’m using Nano as in, NanoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month.
NanoWriMo
In case you don’t know, NanoWriMo is an event every November in which thousands and thousands of writers, both amateur and professional, attempt to write a novel of 50,000 words or more in 30 days. The idea behind Nano is for writers to set aside their inner editor, and write with abandon. Plot? Don’t worry about it. Characters? Work on that later. Grammar? What’s that?
I’m not criticizing the premise behind Nano. In fact, the Nano approach is an awesome way to bang out a first draft. That is, if you can stay focused.

Excuses, Excuses
This year was the second time I attempted, and failed, Nano. By the time the 14th came around, I should have written 23,333 words. I had written only around 8,000—hopelessly behind.

However, there are some really good reasons that keep me from Nanoing, specifically, birthdays. Lots and lots of birthdays. In the month of November, the following people were born:

• My mother
• My sister
• My nephew
• My oldest daughter
• My youngest daughter
• My best friend from high school
• My wife’s best friend from high school

And let’s not forget Thanksgiving.
But then, I log on to ChristianWriters.com, and see that my online writer buddies already have manuscripts as long as the Bible by the 5th day of Nano, and I wonder I’m just a wimp or lazy or undisciplined.
Guilty, Guilty
When I finally realize that I could have kept up my word count, it comes upon me: Nano Guilt. Nano Guilt is the guilt writers feel when they fail their moral obligation to complete a novel of 50,000 words each November. It’s the self recrimination you feel when you wonder if those 50,000 words you didn’t write could have made you the next Stephen King or J.K. Rowling or Edward Bulwer-Lytton.
Well, there’s always next year. And maybe. If I’ve written enough stuff by then, I won’t feel too bad if I don’t get my 50,000 written.

Nano Blues

I’m sort of behind on my Nano novel. Right now. To get 50,000 words by the 30th, I’m going to have to write 2064 words a night, starting tonight.
Also, I’m thinking about posting my nano story as I write it. Would anyone be interested in reading it? It would probably be chock full of typos, grammar errors, and plot holes. We’ll see.